More Popular than Jesus

Documents published on wikileaks this morning show the percentage of populations around the world who were set to be lifted to heaven in yesterday’s aborted ‘Rapture’ Event.

The map was released to Assange’s whistleblower website by an un-named executive of Heaven Inc

The organisation’s head of public relations known by the initials ‘JC’ admitted the maps were genuine.

“Crap, where did they get those?” was his initial response. He then admitted to our reporter that they were authentic. “Sure, we have to plan these things. God doesn’t just wiggle his fingers and the good rise to Heaven. There are quotas, logistics, timetables.”

Yesterdays document release coincided with the postponement of the scheduled Rapture leading to speculations that an internal power struggle is being played out within Heaven’s senior organising comittee.

The maps themselves reveal quite a bit about the thought processes that go into planning a major biblical event.

The low number of Americans being saved was apparently due to God having had a “bit of a fracas with the founding fathers” and as a result damning the whole race in perpetuity.

Even more alarming was the total absence of French people from the list of those who were to be saved. JC was unprepared to comment as to the reason, and simply shrugged when asked.

He was more forthcoming when asked why so many Japanese were to be saved, particularly when so few were actually Christian. The sandal wearing spokesman replied, “Aw, C’mon, they have had way too much crap recently. The whole earthquake thing was a bitch and it turns out that it was actually meant for Iceland, but the old man got his latitude and Longitude mixed up.  We figured letting more Japs in would make up for it. Also, we are gonna have to restart the Volcano in Grimsvotn to get back on track with the Icelandic smiting quota.”

Last nights planned Rapture (as prophesised in the book of Ezekiel and by Harold Camping (89) of Alameda California) was postponed due to technical difficulties according to a spokesman.

We called heaven at 6.15 pm yesterday (May 21st) and asked for a response. A hesitant spokesman who refused to give his name told us “The uplift mechanism is untried in the field and as with many cutting edge technologies, there are some minor bugs to be ironed out.”

The spokesman admitted that this was not the first time that the technologists of the Lord Almighty have failed to live up to expectations.  “Yeah, the second of the Ten Plagues of Egypt was downgraded from ‘dragons’ to ‘frogs’ but  chapters 7–12 of Exodus still show that we can kick ass if we want. Frogs are pretty frightening aren’t they? They gross me out.”

But when pressed, he refused or was unable to explain why the elect had not been lifted into heaven at the appointed hour.

“We know people are upset and we fully believe the modern consumer is entitled to an explaination and an appology. I am sure we will be issuing a statement soon… They were big frogs, not little ones. Some were as big as a dinner plate.”

Meanwhile, Camping, who has become a multi-millionaire off the back of his predictions was unavailable for comment.

Jesus Christ is 2044 years old.