kuala lumpur?

No, she got hit on the head by an Orangutan

ithankyou

The population is riven by petty factionalism and auto-castrated by class angst. Our kids think a pair of trainers and a flat screen telly are the apogee of modern culture. We live in the cities and despise the countryside or visa versa. Either way, we don’t like to wash too often and everything but everything is someone else’s fault.

Usually the French get blamed for just about anything but the South Americans, Pakistanis, North Americans, Germans and bloody Russians are all held to be deeply circumspect by the English too.

However, deep in the wretched poisonous heart of every son of albion is the understanding that if you really need to pass the buck, just look west or look north. The Welsh, just across the bridge at the wrong end of the M4 are seen as an evil race of homunculi who are probably, when you really see through all the murk, ultimately guilty of anything for which we cannot pin the blame on the bleedin’ Scots. The English are egalitarians; we hate everyone. But do you know who we really cannot stand? More than even the Scottish? Yup, its the bloody English. We know this land of ours is full if wankers and it builds like a canker in our souls. The older we get the more miserable we become.

But there again, we do a decent pint of beer.

The map was released to Assange’s whistleblower website by an un-named executive of Heaven Inc

The organisation’s head of public relations known by the initials ‘JC’ admitted the maps were genuine.

“Crap, where did they get those?” was his initial response. He then admitted to our reporter that they were authentic. “Sure, we have to plan these things. God doesn’t just wiggle his fingers and the good rise to Heaven. There are quotas, logistics, timetables.”

Yesterdays document release coincided with the postponement of the scheduled Rapture leading to speculations that an internal power struggle is being played out within Heaven’s senior organising comittee.

The maps themselves reveal quite a bit about the thought processes that go into planning a major biblical event.

The low number of Americans being saved was apparently due to God having had a “bit of a fracas with the founding fathers” and as a result damning the whole race in perpetuity.

Even more alarming was the total absence of French people from the list of those who were to be saved. JC was unprepared to comment as to the reason, and simply shrugged when asked.

He was more forthcoming when asked why so many Japanese were to be saved, particularly when so few were actually Christian. The sandal wearing spokesman replied, “Aw, C’mon, they have had way too much crap recently. The whole earthquake thing was a bitch and it turns out that it was actually meant for Iceland, but the old man got his latitude and Longitude mixed up.  We figured letting more Japs in would make up for it. Also, we are gonna have to restart the Volcano in Grimsvotn to get back on track with the Icelandic smiting quota.”

We called heaven at 6.15 pm yesterday (May 21st) and asked for a response. A hesitant spokesman who refused to give his name told us “The uplift mechanism is untried in the field and as with many cutting edge technologies, there are some minor bugs to be ironed out.”

The spokesman admitted that this was not the first time that the technologists of the Lord Almighty have failed to live up to expectations.  “Yeah, the second of the Ten Plagues of Egypt was downgraded from ‘dragons’ to ‘frogs’ but  chapters 7–12 of Exodus still show that we can kick ass if we want. Frogs are pretty frightening aren’t they? They gross me out.”

But when pressed, he refused or was unable to explain why the elect had not been lifted into heaven at the appointed hour.

“We know people are upset and we fully believe the modern consumer is entitled to an explaination and an appology. I am sure we will be issuing a statement soon… They were big frogs, not little ones. Some were as big as a dinner plate.”

Meanwhile, Camping, who has become a multi-millionaire off the back of his predictions was unavailable for comment.

Jesus Christ is 2044 years old.

Drawn way too early in the morning.

A quick rule of thumb is in any given situation, ask yourself “How would Humphrey Bogart deal with this?”

Well, he would probably mention that the problem with the world “is that everyone is a few drinks behind”, call someone ‘dollface’ and shoot a bad guy.  Works for me.