Documents published on wikileaks this morning show the percentage of populations around the world who were set to be lifted to heaven in yesterday’s aborted ‘Rapture’ Event.
The map was released to Assange’s whistleblower website by an un-named executive of Heaven Inc
The organisation’s head of public relations known by the initials ‘JC’ admitted the maps were genuine.
“Crap, where did they get those?” was his initial response. He then admitted to our reporter that they were authentic. “Sure, we have to plan these things. God doesn’t just wiggle his fingers and the good rise to Heaven. There are quotas, logistics, timetables.”
Yesterdays document release coincided with the postponement of the scheduled Rapture leading to speculations that an internal power struggle is being played out within Heaven’s senior organising comittee.
The maps themselves reveal quite a bit about the thought processes that go into planning a major biblical event.
The low number of Americans being saved was apparently due to God having had a “bit of a fracas with the founding fathers” and as a result damning the whole race in perpetuity.
Even more alarming was the total absence of French people from the list of those who were to be saved. JC was unprepared to comment as to the reason, and simply shrugged when asked.
He was more forthcoming when asked why so many Japanese were to be saved, particularly when so few were actually Christian. The sandal wearing spokesman replied, “Aw, C’mon, they have had way too much crap recently. The whole earthquake thing was a bitch and it turns out that it was actually meant for Iceland, but the old man got his latitude and Longitude mixed up. We figured letting more Japs in would make up for it. Also, we are gonna have to restart the Volcano in Grimsvotn to get back on track with the Icelandic smiting quota.”